Characters:

Old woman (very Monty Pythonish), three regal Kings, Herod, Soldier, 2 Advisers

KING 1:

Excuse me.

WOMAN:

What for?

KING 1:

Can you tell us where the newborn king is?

WOMAN:

The what?

KING 2:

The newborn king of the Jews.

WOMAN:

(To everyone)  Hey!  These guys are looking for the king of the Jews.  Anyone seen a kid with a crown?

KING 1:

We followed the new star.  It led us here.

WOMAN:

A star, eh? (Raises eyes)

KING 2:

Could you tell us where we could find your leader?

WOMAN:

Well, now, that depends.  Is it the Roman leader you’re talking about, or one of the Jewish ones?  Let’s see, there’s the zealots, the Pharisees, the scribes, not to mention the Jewish underground lot — always revolting! Yuk! (Gives a shudder)

KING 3:

Isn’t there a king?

WOMAN:

Oo, that’d be King Herod.

KING 1:

Well, where does he live? (Frustrated but still cool)

WOMAN:

All right, keep your crowns on!  You go down the track, turn left at the donkeys, around the olive trees, past the well, then at the market ...  Listen, if you’ve been relying on a star for directions, you’re goin’ to get lost — especially since it’s broad daylight! I’ll show you the way.

ALL KINGS:

Thankyou.

WOMAN:

Well, come on... Have to go to the market, anyway.  Got some lovely offal for sale. (Shows the kings, who screw up noses) So why ‘King of the Jews’?  Lord knows, we Jews could use one.  Romans are a pushy lot.  Mind you, their uniforms aren’t bad; little skirts and ankle boots.  Some of those soldiers got lovely legs...  So, how long you been travelling?

KING 1:

Many, many months.

KING 2:

Across deserts and plains.

KING 3:

Fields and fountains.

KING 1:

Moors and mountains.

ALL KINGS:

Following yonder star. (All Kings point to the sky. Woman looks around at sky, then sideways at kings)

WOMAN:

Do your families know where you are?  I reckon they’d be worried.  I know I am!  Oh, here we are! (Knock on imaginary door, soldier answers)  Excuse me.

SOLDIER:

What for?

WOMAN:

These starry-eyed blokes want to talk to the king.

KING 1:

We are looking for the infant king.

KING 2:

The promised Messiah of the Jews.

SOLDIER:

I’ll see if he’s in. (Disappears)

WOMAN:

Wonder if Herod would like some offal . (Kings turn up noses)

SOLDIER:

Gentlemen, please come in.  The king will see you presently.

WOMAN:

Oh well,  nice meeting you.  Good luck.  Don’t forget to write home.

KING 3:

Thankyou. (Gives woman gold coin)

WOMAN:

You’re most welcome.  Oo! (Bite it, polish it etc)  Most generous...  Here, have the offal.

ALL KINGS:

No!  No thanks!

WOMAN:

I insist. (Hands to K3 who passes it to K2 who passes it to K1 who tries to pass it to the Soldier who walks away. All exit)

HEROD:

Three wealthy gentlemen, you say?

SOLDIER:

They come bearing gifts for the newborn king.  They say they have followed a new star from their homeland in the east and believe the royal child to be very near.

HEROD:

A royal baby!  The last thing I’ll need in my senior years is to be challenged and dethroned by some young upstart!  And a Jewish one at that!  How true could this be?  Bring my royal advisers!  I want all the information they can get their hands on about this so-called Messiah!  And hurry! (Soldier goes to rush off)  Wait!  Stall the travellers — feed them, entertain them.  Tell them I’m busy with official state business and will be available later.  Well, what are you waiting for? (Yells)  Go!! (Paces floor, chewing nails.  Advisers enter almost immediately laden with scrolls)  What kept you?  What have you found?  What’s this about an infant king?  Well, come on!  Speak up!

ADVISER 1:

(Nervously, dropping some of the scrolls.  Picks a couple and opens them up)  It appears, your majesty,  that ancient Jewish writings talk of a promised Messiah sent by their God to save them from oppression.

HEROD:

They wish!

ADVISER 1:

Their prophet Isaiah wrote (Reads) ‘ ... the time of darkness and despair will not go on forever.  There will be a time in the future when Galilee will be filled with glory.  Israel will again be great, and its people will rejoice.  They will shout with joy like warriors dividing the plunder.  For God will break the chains that bind his people and the whip that scourges them.  For a child is born to us, a son is given to us.  And the government will rest on his shoulders.  These will be his royal titles:  Wonderful Counsellor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father…’

HEROD:

Enough! (To Adviser 2)  What have you found?

ADVISER 2:

(Opens scroll)  The Jewish prophet Zechariah wrote: ‘O people of Jerusalem!  Look, your king is coming to you.  He is righteous and victorious.’ (Closes scroll)  The Jews  believe beyond any doubt that God will send them a king to deliver them from their oppression and restore the great nation of Israel.  Many believe that Scripture reveals the time is ripe for fulfilment of this promise.

HEROD:

This could be the end of us all!  More importantly — it could be the end of me!  How can we know when this is to happen?  Could it be now?  I need to know!

ADVISER 1:

The Jews writings also state that the Messiah will be born when Jupiter and Saturn are aligned in Pisces.

HEROD:

What’s that in Roman?!

ADVISER 1:

(Nervously)  Well, it could account for the new star!

HEROD:

I see.  So the travellers may be onto something!  Do the Jews know yet?

ADVISER 2:

I don’t think they actually study astronomy.

HEROD:

Good point.  So we may in fact know of the Messiah’s birth before the Jews!  Brilliant!  But we still have a problem.  Does it say where this child will be born?

ADVISER 1:

The prophet Micah wrote:  ‘O Bethlehem of Judah, you are not just a lowly village in Judah, for a ruler will come from you who will be the shepherd for my people Israel.’

HEROD:

Bethlehem!  Clever — it certainly would have been the last place I looked.  Send in the travellers.  I have a plan! (Enter Kings. In sugary voice)  Welcome, gentlemen!  I hope your stay in my humble home has refreshed you. (Shake hands etc)  While you have rested I have conveyed your request to my trusted advisers and they inform me that our royal baby should have been born in Bethlehem.  Please go with my best wishes.  Once you find this precious child, please advise me of his whereabouts so that I too may go and worship him.

KING 1:

Thank you, sire.

KING 2:

You have been most kind.

KING 3:

We shall go and give the new king our gifts. (The Kings go to leave)

HEROD:

Wait a minute, what about a gift for me? I’m a king too!

ALL KINGS:

(Look at each other in consternation) Um...

KING 3:

(Realising he is still carrying the offal) Here, take this.

HEROD:

(Taking offal) That’s more like it! (The Kings exit hurriedly. Herod speaks to Soldier) When we find out where the child is, kill him! (Sniffs) What’s that smell?(To Advisers)  Now, what was on the agenda this afternoon?

ADVISER 2:

Lunch, then spa and massage...   (Herod and Advisers exit)

HEROD:

(Off stage) And get rid of this offal!