SCULLER:

(Enters) Hello, agent Mouldy. (She gives Mouldy an intense look)

MOULDY:

Hello, agent Sculler. Why are you looking at me like that?

SCULLER:

Because we have to look at each other intensely at least once every episode to keep the viewers guessing.

MOULDY:

Well, I'm guessing you've got indigestion.

SCULLER:

(Looks at file in Mouldy's hands) Well, what have you discovered?

MOULDY:

I’ve been going through the S-Files and I've discovered the file on the first ever appearance of the Spirit. But I warn you, Sculler, it contains reports of (In spooky voice) strange and unusual phenomena.

SCULLER:

Of course it does, they all do! No one wants to watch a show about boring and ordinary phenomena. What does it say?

MOULDY:

(Reading from file, Sculler reads over his shoulder) It happened in approximately        30 AD, give or take a few years, in the city of Jerusalem on Pentecost day. There were about 120 people in this room. About the only thing they had in common was that they had all been followers of Jesus. There was this sound like a mighty wind...

SCULLER:

It was probably a problem with their air-conditioning.

MOULDY:

Sculler, they didn't have air-conditioning back then.

SCULLER:

Maybe it was localised low atmospheric pressure.

MOULDY:

Inside a house?

SCULLER:

Well, maybe they had been eating too much spicy food?

MOULDY:

It was just the sound of a mighty wind. Anyway, then tongues of fire appeared on their heads...

SCULLER:

I bet that was just the halo effect of the sunlight behind them.

MOULDY:

And they began to speak in other languages. Sculler, one minute these people were scared, and cowardly, hiding out in fear; and the next minute they're bravely telling        the whole of Jerusalem about this Spirit in a hundred different languages.

SCULLER:

That's easy. Only one thing can turn a bunch of craven cowards into brave, loud, babblers, and that's alcohol.

MOULDY:

But it was only nine o'clock in the morning. The pubs weren't even open yet. Do you know that about 3000 people were affected by the Spirit that day! (Indicates files) And these files are full of amazing transformations all attributed to this Spirit.

SCULLER:

(Stands) Mouldy, we'll have to investigate this further.

MOULDY:

(Also standing) Yes Sculler, because (In dramatic voice) the truth is out there.

PERSON:

(From audience) No, it isn't. (Stands, holding Bible) It's in here, it's in me. (Sculler and Mouldy quickly get out their guns and aim them at the person)

SCULLER:

(Moving closer to person, gun aimed) OK, put down the book! Put it down!

MOULDY:

(Also moving closer, gun aimed) Put down the book and put your hands in the air!

SCULLER:

Now back away from it! (Person does so, Mouldy reaches person)

MOULDY:

OK, spread 'em. (Turns person around and does a quick search, while Sculler        keeps gun trained) He/she's clean.

SCULLER:

(Indicating Bible) Do you think the book is loaded?

MOULDY:

Leave it for the bomb squad, it could be quite powerful.

SCULLER:

(Pushes person into chair) There's some questions we want to ask you. (Both Sculler and Mouldy get out torches and shine them into person's eyes)

PERSON:

What questions?

MOULDY:

(In vicious cop voice) We ask the questions here, and we'll keep asking questions. And when we get answers we'll ask more questions, and then we'll ask even more questions, because that's what this show is all about! If we ever get all the answers        this show is finished because the truth won't be out there anymore, so we'll keep asking questions! Do you understand?

PERSON:

(Nervously) Yes, I think so. What do you want to know?

MOULDY:

(Yelling) We ask the questions!

SCULLER:

(Intervening) Where is this Spirit?

PERSON:

He's in me and in all Christians.

MOULDY:

Hah, I thought so! (To Sculler) Sounds like a mass invasion.

SCULLER:

And what unspeakable, horrible, disgusting, gory things has this Spirit done to you?

PERSON:

He comforts me, and helps me, and guides me. He gives me strength and courage and power. He gives me gifts...

SCULLER:

(Interrupting) That doesn't sound unspeakable, horrible, disgusting and gory!

PERSON:

No, it's wonderful!

MOULDY:

(Pulls Sculler to one side, hands gun to audience member) Here, cover him/her. If he/she moves shoot him/her. (To Sculler) What do you think?

SCULLER:

I think there has to be a rational explanation.

MOULDY:

And now I have to look surprised, even though you say that almost every episode. (He overacts surprise)

SCULLER:

Of course I'll know more when I do the autopsy...

MOULDY:

You can't do an autopsy. He's/she's still alive.

SCULLER:

Darn, I love doing autopsies!

MOULDY:

In fact, he/she seems more alive than ever. They all do!

SCULLER:

There's only one solution, we'll have to investigate further. It could take years and years and years.

MOULDY:

(Catching on) Yes, and hundreds of episodes. (Dramatically) But the truth is out...

PERSON:

(Interrupting) No, it's no. It's in...

MOULDY:

Be quiet, you're ruining my big line.

PERSON:

But you're wrong.

MOULDY:

(Grabs gun back off audience member aims it at person) Shut up! (Dramatically) Yes, Sculler, the truth is out there. (Both exit to theme music)