PROPS:

Speaker’s notes, dictionary, glass of water, lectern, big red heart-shaped thankyou card

1:

(Enters importantly with pile of notes, and stands up the front facing audience as if to address them)  What is a servant?

2:

(From audience, putting hand up) Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, I know that one!

1:

(Glaring at 2) That was meant to be a rhetorical question, you weren’t meant to answer it!

2:

(Looking really disappointed) I’m just trying to be helpful...

1:

(Rolling eyes) Oh, all right, you can answer it. What is a servant?

2:

(Proudly) Someone who serves.

1:

(Sarcastically) Well, thank you very much for that glaringly obvious answer. I’m sure we couldn’t have figured that one out for ourselves! (Goes on with talk) So what does it mean to serve?

2:

(Hand up again) Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

1:

(Glaring at 2) That was another rhetorical question.

2:

(Putting hand down) Oh, sorry.

1:

(To 2) I suppose you’ve got another incredibly simplistic answer for us?

2:

(Standing up) No, I’ve got a dictionary. (Grabs dictionary and goes to front, reads) Serve: be a servant to, do service or be useful, meet needs of, avail, suffice, satisfy, perform function, be suitable, do what is required. (Closes dictionary) There, you see?

1:

(Through gritted teeth) Thank you. Now will you kindly sit down and stop interrupting me! (2 starts heading sadly towards front seats) OK...now where was I...

2:

(Helpfully) What does it mean to serve?

1:

(Crossly) I knew that!

2:

Well, why did you ask...

1:

(Angrily) Look, just go and sit down! (Points to front seats)

2:

But...

1:

(Interrupting and pointing at seats) Sit down!

2:

But...

1:

(Yelling) SIT! (2 sits reluctantly, 1 looks at notes, clears throat and starts coughing)

2:

(Jumping up and offering 1 a glass of water) Glass of water?

1:

(Still coughing) Thank you. (Takes glass from 2) Now, if you don’t mind...(Yells) Go away!

2:

(Sadly) All right, I’m going...(Sits down in front seat)

1:

(To audience) So what is true service? (Quickly before 2 interrupts again) That is a rhetorical question. (Waves notes as he/she starts to get carried away) True service sees another’s needs. (Drops notes, which go everywhere) Oh, damn! (2 dives up to help and gathers them all together for 1, who snatches them out of his hand) Give me those! (Goes on with talk) True service gives without expecting a reward or thanks. (2 has found a lectern or stand and places it in front of 1. 1 places notes on lectern and yells at 2) Look, shove off! (1 goes sadly back to front pew and sits, 2 continues) True service comes from the heart. (Picks up notes and goes to leave as if finished. 1 applauds and cheers loudly, stands and hands 2 a big, red, heart-shaped card with THANK YOU written on it in large letters. They both exit)