ANNOUNCER

(Clock strikes 13, then eerie music in background) Are you ready for your pulse to pound? Are you prepared to gasp with terror? Is that your last breath we can hear? Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, as the clock strikes 13 we welcome you to another truly creepy-crawley time as we explore . . . (Crash of thunder) . . . Adam's Family History.

And now, would you welcome your hosts - the master of disaster, Gomess Adams, and at his side, the pale princess of pallor, the lovely, the deadly, Mortician.

GOMESS:

Thank you, thank you, you're too cruel. Good evening.

MORTICIAN:

Bon Soir, mon Ami.

GOMESS:

Tish - is that French?

MORTICIAN:

Yes, darling.

GOMESS:

Cara Mia - you know what that does to me.

MORTICIAN:

Oui. ( Gomess begins to kiss her hand and move up her arm) Gomess, I believe it's time to meet tonight's victims.

GOMESS:

Oh yes! (Pulls the rope to summon Lurk)

LURK:

You rang!

GOMESS:

Lurk, bring in our guests.

LURK:

Yes, Mr Adams

GOMESS:

Thingy, do you have the information on our guests? (Up pops Thingy, holding information sheet) Our first guests tonight are the original Adam's family, from way back at the very beginning of everything - it's Adam and Eve.

GOMESS:

Welcome. (Shaking hands) Adam, good to have you on the show.

MORTICIAN:

(Greeting, Eve) Eve, you're looking beautifully downcast tonight.

EVE:

(Upset) It's been a horrible day, the boys got into a terrible argument yesterday and Cain tried to kill Abel.

MORTICIAN:

That can be upsetting, but I'm sure he'll do better next time. Practice makes perfect.

EVE:

(Shocked) I don't know how you can say such a thing.

MORTICIAN:

Oh, it's because I have two children of my own. Why, just the other day Tuesday had Bugsley all wired up and ready to flip the switch when it was time to watch 'Great Crimes of the 21st Century'. TV has a worrying effect on children today.

GOMESS:

Enough of this friendly chit-chat, ladies - it's on with our investigation into the Adam's Family History. Remember, this is the show where we discover the creepy and spooky origins of our family.

MORTICIAN:

Oh yes, darling, it's so wonderful to hear about the great Adams of the past. Like your great, great, great uncle Vlad Adams, who terrorised half of Europe.

GOMESS:

Yes, Uncle Vlad certainly knew how to cause some mayhem. But tonight we're privileged to have the original Adams with us, the one who started it all. Adam, old man, tell us a little about yourself.

ADAM:

Well, Gomess, I'm afraid ours is a sad sad story.

MORTICIAN:

(Pleased) Oh, how wonderful!

ADAM:

It all started out when God made my wife and me as the very first human beings. He brought us to life by breathing his own spirit into our bodies. He gave me the name Adam and he named my wife Eve.

EVE:

Then God placed us in a beautiful garden which was filled with every kind of flowering plant and tree. The air was filled with the sweet smells of the flowers. Bees were buzzing and birds were singing in the trees. There was ripe fruit to eat and we didn't lack anything.

MORTICIAN:

(Dabbing at eyes with hanky) Oh you're right, this is very sad. Keep going.

ADAM:

But the most important part was that God made us to be his friends. We would meet with him every day and walk with him in the garden. He helped us to learn about our world and we lived in perfect harmony. But then it all changed.

GOMESS:

What happened?

EVE:

God had told us that we shouldn't eat the fruit of a tree in the middle of the garden. It was a very simple rule and one that God made for our own benefit. But we made a mistake. The fruit of the tree looked so tempting and so good to eat and I'd heard that it would make me like God. I'm afraid I broke the rule and ate, and then I gave some to Adam as well.

ADAM:

Yes and I ate the apple too. We both did the wrong thing.

GOMESS:

Marvellous. So that was the first time that an Adams broke a rule. Not a very big deal, I might say, but I suppose you were just starting out.

ADAM:

(Shocked) Not a very big deal?

MORTICIAN:

Well, it was just a piece of fruit. I'm sure you managed much worse as you went on.

ADAM:

You don't understand. From the moment we ate the fruit everything went wrong. Everything was ruined. Our friendship with God was spoilt and we had to leave the garden where we had lived. We no longer had everything we needed but we had to work hard to survive.

EVE:

Our own relationship became harder too. I experienced much pain and sorrow in my life, where before everything had been perfect.

MORTICIAN:

(Happily) Well, then, it wasn't all a dead loss.

LURK:

Urrrr.

EVE:

But that's the whole point; it was. From that moment on everything that had been good and perfect turned horrible and awful.

ADAM:

Pain and suffering came upon us. And there's one even worse thing too.

& GOMESS :

What's that?

ADAM:

Death!

& GOMESS:

Aaah.

LURK:

Urrrr.

ADAM:

Before we broke God's command to us we had nothing to fear. His plan was that we would live forever with him in the garden, but after our mistake, death took hold. And it affected not just us but every one of our descendants as well. Every man, woman and child that followed afterwards carried the effect of our sin upon them.

GOMESS:

So, old man, it's because of you that the cemeteries are full and that we have so many funerals to go to.

ADAM:

Yes, death now affects every member of my family, in every generation. It affects you and Mortician and Tuesday and Bugsley and everyone in the audience.

MORTICIAN:

(Amazed) Amazing. You did that!

EVE:

Yes, it was all because of us. I can prove it to you if you like. It's all written down in the Bible.

GOMESS:

(To Mortician) Do we have a Bible?

MORTICIAN:

Hmm . . . I'm not sure, Darling. (Up pops Thingy with a large black family Bible)

GOMESS:

Ah, thank you, Thingy. (Lurk passes it to Gomess)

MORTICIAN:

Oh what a marvellous book, so wonderfully dusty!

GOMESS:

(Opening it up) Look, it has our entire family tree in the front. There's Cousin It. And great grandfather, and there's Adam and Eve right at the very top.

ADAM:

Well, of course, the entire human race is descended from me, they're all my children, my grandchildren, my great great great great great etc. etc great great granchildren. That's the problem. When I sinned, sin entered the entire human race!

EVE:

(Taking Bible) It's all here in Genesis three.

GOMESS:

So sin, death, pain, suffering, punishment, the whole lot was your fault. Adam, I have to hand it to you, you might just be the most destructive Adams ever.

LURK:

Urrrr. (Thingy and Lurk clap hands)

ADAM:

That's what I've been trying to tell you.

MORTICIAN:

It's a wonderful story. Is there more?

EVE:

Yes, thankfully there is! Listen to this. 'Since death came through a man, the resurrection of the dead comes also through a man. For as in Adam all die, so in Christ all will be made alive.'

MORTICIAN:

Who's this other person, this Christ? He sounds like a rather strange character.

EVE:

Oh, that's Jesus, he's wonderful. Didn't you hear how he fixed things up? The first Adam messed up everything but the second Adam fixed everything.

GOMESS:

(Puzzled) The second Adams?

EVE:

No, not Adams, Adam. Jesus was called the second Adam. My husband was the first Adam and Jesus was the second because through him God was starting again.

ADAM:

But instead of messing things up like I did, Jesus did exactly as God wanted him too. And so instead of bringing sadness and death into the world, he brought happiness and new life.

MORTICIAN:

(Shaking head) Oh dear, sounds like the white sheep of the family.

ADAM:

Exactly, his life was perfectly white and clean, like a newborn lamb.

MORTICIAN:

What a shame. It's so depressing to hear how members of one's family have gone on the rails.

EVE:

Don't you realise what good news this is? Jesus lived the perfect life that none of us could. Then when he was put to death as an innocent man he defeated the power of death. He took all the guilt and shame and punishment of sin upon himself, and that means that we have been set free. We can be new people.

MORTICIAN:

(Putting hand to forehead) Gomess, I'm suddenly feeling rather faint.

GOMESS:

(Holding her hand) Oh dear, what's the matter, my love?

MORTICIAN:

All this talk of new life and freedom, all because of someone in our own family tree. It's so, so . . .

ADAM:

Good?

EVE:

Exciting?

& GOMESS:

(Together) Disgraceful!

MORTICIAN:

How will we ever face the crowd down at the morgue? Darling, I think I need to retire to the basement for some stale air. Perhaps it's time our guests left.

GOMESS:

Yes, of course. Adam, Eve it's been a real grave-opener having you in today but I'm afraid that now it's time to say goodbye. Thanks for telling us your part of the Adam's Family History. To say thankyou we have a box of fine Cockroach Cluster chocolates, part of the Whitman's Insect Collection, and a bunch of Lurk's finest roses.

LURK:

(Presenting gifts) Urrrr!

GOMESS:

Now it's goodbye from us all, and don't forget until next time we meet - If it's hairy and it has six legs, it's probably an Adams.