PERSON:

(Person enters and clears throat, startling agent) Err . . . hem (Agent quickly puts feet down) I'd like to hire a guide. I need to get through life somehow. It's dark out there!

AGENT:

(Indicates chair, person sits down, while agent lauches into sales pitch) Yes, it is dark, and there's some tricky terrain there. Lots of twists and turns, ups and downs, pitfalls and snags. People often get lost or take the wrong turn . . .

PERSON:

(Interrupting impatiently) Yes, I know all that, why do you think I'm here? Have you got a guide?

AGENT:

What sort of guide do you want?

PERSON:

What have you got?

AGENT:

(Picking up brochure) Well, there's astrologers and clairvoyants.

PERSON:

What do they offer?

AGENT:

Easy access via newspapers, magazines, phone and internet. Daily updates. They're reasonably cheap and there's no real personal cost. They claim to be able to shed light on any subject.

PERSON:

Yes, but do they work?

AGENT:

(Uncomfortably) Well . . . I can't say our success rate has been 100% . . .

PERSON:

What is it, then?

AGENT:

It's not that good really, actually it's fairly lousy . . . (Rallying) but some people swear by it!

PERSON:

So what else have you got?

AGENT:

(Getting another brochure) We've got psychiatrists, psychologists and guidance counsellors. They can be rather pricey, but they'll give you some good advice and help. They can help you make sense of the dark.

PERSON:

But I'd have to make an appointment to see them, wouldn't I?

©AGENT:

Yes, and the good ones are always booked solid.

PERSON:

(Shaking head) No, I need a guide that's always available.

AGENT:

A lot of people rely on themselves. (Picks up self-help books) We've got all these self-help guides. With this there's only the initial investment. No appointments necessary! And you might even find enlightenment! But the advice you get can be a little dodgy and there's no one else to blame your mistakes on.

PERSON:

(Sounding a bit desperate) But I can't do it on my own, I've tried that!

AGENT:

Well . . . (Looks around desperately, picks up another brochure) We've got some Sherpas.

PERSON:

(Can't believe this) Sherpas?

AGENT:

Yes, they'll carry your luggage, cook your meals, they come with their own lanterns and a life-time guarantee - their life time, that is, and they know the Himalayas like the back of their hands!

PERSON:

(Upset) But I don't want to go to the Himalayas!

AGENT:

(Desperately picks up another brochure) There's the girl guides. They'll help you across the street, teach you to tie knots, and light a fire and some handy outdoor survival techniques. As a bonus, you'll get plenty of biscuits, and there's that nifty uniform.

AGENT:

(Also standing) Oh, yes, I do. You want what everyone else wants. (Ticking off points on fingers) You want a guide you can trust. Someone you can always depend on. Someone who's always there. Someone you can lean on. Someone who'll show you the right path through life. And someone who'll lead you through the darkness to the light!

PERSON:

(Excited) Yes, that's it! That's what I want!

AGENT:

(Advances on person) Well, let me tell you something. I've been dealing with guides for years and you aren't going to find anyone like that on this earth! (Exits)

PERSON:

(Follows agent off) But I want one, I need one! God! What am I going to do? (Realises, looks up, pauses and exits)