EXAMINER:

(Looks up and calls) Jones! (Pauses, then louder) Fred Jones!! (Jones is doodling on a pew sheet or bulletin, SWAT examiner stands and shouts) Jones!!! (Jones leaps up, looks about guiltily, and comes forward to desk)

JONES:

Me? You want me? Why me? I wasn't doing anything? Are you sure you mean me?

EXAMINER:

(Sternly) Sit! (Jones does so nervously) I am the SWAT examiner. (Jones looks bewildered, examiner continues patiently) SWAT, the Standard Worship Attendance Test. You're my last candidate for the day, (Thankfully) at last.

JONES:

(Panicking) Test? I didn't know there was a test? How fair is that? Why wasn't I told? I didn't learn . . .

EXAMINER:

(Interrupts) Will you be quiet? (To audience) Really, the things you put up with in this job. (Firm beginning) Right, this won't take long. This test judges what you have focused on in the service this morning. There are five questions and you will pass with a score of three.

JONES:

Three? 60%? Isn't that a bit high?

EXAMINER:

(Tersely) High? High? Look at this pile (Indicates the 'Fail' tray) They all thought they knew all there was to say about this morning's/evening's service. The highest here was two out of five.

JONES:

Only two! (Confidently) Shouldn't be hard to beat this lot! I've got a great memory,  I can even tell you when the last time was that both the Crows and the Power (Substitute local team names) won on the same day. It was . . .

EXAMINER:

(Impatiently) Question one, 'What was the first hymn/song you sang and what was its message?' (There is a long pause, Jones  thinks hard, head on chin, eyes ceiling-ward, he can't recall)

JONES:

(Hesitantly) Pass. (Tries to cover up) But it was a good one, it had a good rhythm.

EXAMINER:

(With a big flourish puts an X on the paper) Zero out of one. Question two, 'What was the message of the second Bible reading?'

JONES:

(After another long pause he realises he is in trouble and tries to bluff) It was about . . . (Big stab in the dark . . . love?

EXAMINER:

(Steely) It was about repentance. (Or appropriate theme)

JONES:

(Desperately) It's close, isn't it? Love, hate, shame, repentance . . . they're all connected . . . aren't they? (Peters out)

EXAMINER:

(Slowly, and as if it's going the same way as all the others) Zero out of two. (Big sigh) Question three. 'What do you recall of Pastor's sermon'?

JONES:

(On solid ground) At last a question I can answer. He had a cold, coughed a lot, and used the phrase, 'you see' twenty-three times. (Big beam, as if this one will be right, looks with enthusiasm at Pastor as if to say 'I was attending OK!' Sees Pastor's stern response and realises this wasn't the answer)

EXAMINER:

(Leans forward, with stunned amazement at Jones's idiocy) And what did he say? What was the mesage?

JONES:

(Taken back) You mean I was supposed to be listening to what he was talking about? Don't I get the mark for counting the times he said 'you...'

EXAMINER:

(Curtly) NO! (With the resignation of someone who knows what's to come) Zero out of three. Question four, 'What is this church's mission statement. It's on the wall behind you. (Jones starts to turn. Examiner  stops him) DON'T TURN ROUND! Your answer?

JONES:

(Acutely embarrassed, stumbles along) Well, I think it is . . . 'To reveal the truth and know about how to make known about the fact that there is a revelation to be known about to . . .' (Or appropriate botch-up of your mission statement. Comes to a grinding halt)

EXAMINER:

(Another long pause. He eyeballs Jones, who can't look at him) Zero out of four. (Jones glances at the real slogan on the wall) OK, a chance for a mark for nothing. Can you tell me anything you remember about today's service?

JONES:

(Desperate and in need of a solid answer) Well, I know (Insert appropriate name) has his/her 40th (Insert birthday) this week. (Waves at person) Happy birthday for Tuesday! (Insert appropriate day. Oblivious to the irrelevance of all this, he ploughs on.) And the lady over there (Points vaguely) has lost an earring. I noticed it all through the service. And there's a spelling error in the bulletin where it says 'Corking Bee' instead of 'Working Bee' and . . . (Finally notices the SE's impatience and growing anger and stops)

EXAMINER:

(Another pause) Zero out of five. (With disdain, puts paper in the 'fail' basket) At least these others scored one or two. (Jones drops head on table) You are the only one to score zero! The only one! (To audience) And I had to save this till last! I don't get paid enough for this job!

JONES:

(Looks up despairingly) I'm a failure. I'm hopeless. I'm never coming again. Why am I so useless? (Getting hysterical)

EXAMINER:

(Interrupts calmly) Listen. You're not hopeless. You're human. (Jones looks up and progressively gets more hopeful over the rest of examiner's lines) You just need to focus on what's important, God and this time with him, and be open to what he wants to say to you. You CAN do it.

JONES:

I can?

EXAMINER:

You have the power within you with God's help.

JONES:

I do?

EXAMINER:

God wants you to worship him in reverence and in awe. To be thankful and to celebrate all that he's done for you, to be involved, be learning and growing.

JONES:

He does?

EXAMINER:

(Full of encouragement, as a last-gasp effort) This is the turning point. You're now going to be a committed worshipper, and you'll be thrilled by what you get out of your time here with God and your church family. (Like a footy coach at three-quarter time) Are you ready? Are you able to focus on God, and his love for you?

JONES:

(Highly enthused) I AM! I AM!

EXAMINER:

Then go back out there, show me the focus of your worshipping and enjoy the change. Go on, GO! GO!

JONES:

(Goes back to seat audibly pumping himself up) I can do it! This will be great. Come on . . . etc (He sits, tall, attentive, over-alert, with the 'look at me, aren't I doing well?' over-exaggeration)

EXAMINER:

(Collects papers and has one pile in each hand and starts to exit via centre aisle. Speaks wearily and without a lot of hope) One day, on my shift, this pile (Indicates 'Pass' pile) will be this big. (Indicates 'Fail' pile) One day, maybe one day . . . (As he goes past Jones, Jones stands and gives him a cheesy grin and exaggerated thumbs up. Examiner weakly responds with a thumbs up and says to himself, loudly and to the congregation at large) Well, if he can change his focus, anyone can . . . (Exits)